My divorce decree arrived in the mail recently – March 27th actually (the day before my birthday!). I had included a stamped self-addressed envelope with the last small stack of documents which I had dutifully delivered to the courthouse. So the judge or her assistant merely folded the signed decree and slipped it into the envelope; and that was that.
Sterile, this divorce process was for me. Pedantic, inexpensive ($292), and cut and dried. Final. And, I would add — spiritual.
I can say, at this point, that I am as happy and as genuinely pleased with my life as I can imagine being. So much for which I am grateful. Healthy in body, mind, soul, and bank account. Good friends to beat the band, a job as counselor and spiritual director that holds for me so much meaning, and a future that seems full of possibilities. It does, indeed, feel as if I am on an incredible journey.
Not that the ending of my marriage wasn’t devastating. I will tell no lies about that. It was my third marriage, in fact. And now, a third divorce. At times in the past year, the shame I felt about this fact of my life was nearly immobilizing. Without friends to hold me up, friends who reminded me of my goodness and worth, and friends that helped me with the work of healing, I am sure I would not be where I am today.
I hear from time to time what seems to be a stigma about multiple marriages and divorces. I’m in a meeting or at a conference or watching a TV program, and someone is referred to as having been married several times — as if this is something unacceptable. And yet, there are many of us in this category with one, two, three, or more marriages. We keep trying; but hopefully we keep learning as well.
I owe, in part, my healing during this past year to an App on my iphone: Insight Timer. I found it the day after my wife left me, and I used it’s library of Guided Meditations and it’s timer for silent meditations every day for the next year. I began my morning with some meditation on acceptance, self-compassion, surrender, or forgiveness – whether I felt like it or not. This was medicine for my soul. It was literally the only thing that enabled me to go back out into the world each day. And slowly, slowly, slowly, I felt the healing take root.
I haven’t tracked the statistics yet, but I also don’t feel the need to do so. I know, instinctively, that there are many of us who suffer the stigma of divorce. Some of the stigma, of course, is of our own making. But I know this. We are all trying to do the best we know in order to have healthy relationships. Certainly, if we knew more, had better insight, more understanding, more skill…, more of everything, we’d be better at this notion of marital equality, romance, and respect. I’m still learning, and I’m still growing, and I will continue to do so, I pray, as long as God gives me life and breath, and yes, love.